Petitcodiac Mennonite Church

Responding to Conflict

Delivered Feb. 4, 2007
by Pastors Marilyn and Eric Henderson

Over-all Plan:
  1. Meet with all families in the congregation asking about their involvement with DeJongs and Brubachers and awareness of conflict.
  2. Create a Biblical foundation for responding to one another through sermons from Dec. 31 to Feb. 18.
  3. Call for, and give specific helps, of forgiveness, unity, dealing with differing opinions, dealing with sin, naming and grieving losses.
  4. Plan and invite everyone to at least one service focused on informing, healing, grieving, forgiving, relinquishing.
Purposes:
  1. Reduce fears and polarization by informing everyone.
  2. Continue the process outlined in Mt. 18 - telling the church about the conflicted relationship between Frank, Donna, Werner, Joann.
  3. Invite God's healing and help for all in our times of need.
  4. To offer opportunities for reconciliation of divisions among others of which we may not be aware.
  5. To continue the grieving process and perhaps bring some closure of the past year's tension, hurts, uncertainties, losses.
Elements: Eph. 4. 25-32

Is some practical teaching by Paul which focuses more on speaking and our spiritual and emotional condition than listening. Our speaking is to be truthful with the intent of building up and giving grace. In the verses just read, Paul tells the believers the truth. In order for unity in the body there are things to do-speak the truth. Speak with the intent of building up. Be kind, tenderhearted and forgive. Included in the truth-telling by Paul is to tell them what to get rid of - anger and wrath as soon as possible, bitterness, wrangling, slander, and malice.

Last week Marilyn told the story of a family that expressed their opinion that old trees in the school yard should not be cut down. They could have stayed home, insulting and belittling those who held other opinions, and harbored resentment and bitterness when they saw the trees cut down, but chose instead to build relationships within the church. They had spoken truthfully, but didn't demand that others go along with their idea.

Paul truthfully warned them to get rid of those things or else the Holy Spirit will be grieved and division is certain to follow.

In my opinion it would be speaking the truth with grace intending to build up, to say, I believe PMC needs to grow in our ability to help people who are having significant conflict in their relationships. In my opinion it would be slander to say, I believe PMC is a pathetic excuse for a Mennonite Church because they are clueless about how to deal with conflict.

As we listen to what is shared later in the service, before you say anything, consider the motivation, the emotions or spirit of the response. After listening to what is shared we are planning a time of silence and a break to give us all some time to consider speaking the truth and the spirit or emotion accompanying the truth-telling.

James 1.19-21

The book of James has many practical teachings that help us live as followers of Jesus. One of those practical teachings that is highly valuable for relationship is found in 1.19-21. James teaches, let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God righteousness. Therefore rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save you.

# 6. on the Agreeing and Disagreeing ... says Be quick to listen, Listen carefully, summarize and check out what is heard before responding. Seek as much to understand as to be understood.

James instructs us to listen carefully with the intent of understanding the other person rather than listening and thinking of a response. One technique to help us listen to understand is to paraphrase what you heard. As you listen to the information shared this morning try to paraphrase or say in your own words to help understand what is being shared.

Acts 15 has an example of listening and paraphrasing. Barnabas and Paul tell a group all the signs and wonders that God had done through them among the Gentiles. After they finished speaking, James replied, "My brothers, listen to me. Simeon has related how God first looked favorably on the Gentiles, to take from among them a people for his name." Barnabas and Paul had give a long story of all the signs and wonders. James listened and paraphrased in a few sentences what was said.

If you don't understand, ask for clarity such as, I don't understand why and when Church Council became involved. I didn't understand who was being referred to by "they"?

A deeper level of listening can be to respond to the emotions expressed or possible emotions involved.

Two women came to our house one night asking to talk with me. One was separated from her husband with whom I had been meeting in an attempt to help him deal with his mental illness and broken relationships. She was working and parenting their two children and let me know with high volume that I was making a mistake helping her husband. During her loud tirade, I was creating in my mind my defense of my actions, preparing to point out all the errors of her accusations. I'm grateful that God brought to mind the idea of saying when she took a breath something to the affect that I appreciated her dedication to her children and the difficulties of working and parenting. Her mood changed as if a switch had been flipped. In that situation and often in others, it doesn't take special training, or a high level of education to figure out and name the emotions being expressed.

James calls us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God righteousness. Pr. 15.1 instructs A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

My Story:

I am the third child of six. Those who study families and the affects of birth order, often find that middle children take up the role of peacemaker. During my first year as a school teacher I found myself between one white and one Afro-American who were faced off ready to fight. Both were at least 6 inches taller and 30 lbs heavier. I had the stupidity or nerve, to stand between them ordering them to separate.

Now here I am leading in a congregation that has experienced some tensions and conflicts. I've just turned 54, have taken a class titled Peacemaking and Justice, another named Managing congregation Conflict-twice- wondering if I should grow up and get over my tendencies to be a peacemaker, or if I should receive the tendency as a gift and share the gift with others.

Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. I take some hope in that verse while at the same time knowing full well that the next blessing is for those who are persecuted for righteousness sake. Enough said.

Regardless of your biological birth order, I hope and trust that we are gathered with a desire to be children of God and act like it by being willing to forgive, to confess our own sinfulness and weakness, speaking truth in love, and by faith seeking the healing and hope needed by all that is offered by God's Spirit.

Information from Brubachers, DeJongs, Congregation, Conference.

Prayer

O God, you have made us for fellowship, and have given us the power both to help and harm one another,
Grant us the wisdom to know what is their good, and the ready will to help them to attain it.
Heal those we have wounded, strengthen those we have failed, grant us all your healing grace,
and make our fellowship to be your family,
through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Possible Responses from congregation members
  1. Questions to seek to understand or to clarify the things heard.
       Ex.: I don't understand why and when Church Council became involved.
       Not: How could we do such a pathetic job of relating to one another in the church?
  2. Words of appreciation.
       Ex.: I appreciate the information shared.
  3. Brief sharing of thoughts and feelings relating to the DeJongs, Brubachers, or others in the Congregation.
       Ex.: I knew that there was some tension, but no one told me anything, so I felt like an outsider.
  4. Words of hope.
       Ex.: I've experienced broken relationships in the past and hope I will continue learning how to avoid them in the future.
Closing ritual

During the singing, everyone is invited to one of the stations located in the center of the worship space. One station will give people opportunity to name in writing things which may need to be relinquished. One station will give people an opportunity for anointing and prayer for healing. One station will provide water to rinse hands as a sign of cleansing for sin. Others who do not move to a station will be asked to pray for everyone, including themselves.

Story of God, Jonah, PMC

Jonah was a prophet of God who was told by God to go and preach in the city. Jonah ran away on a ship.

But God wasn't finished with Jonah.

God sent a storm that caused the sailors great fear and the loss of all the ships cargo. Eventually Jonah admitted that the storm was a result of his disobedience and was thrown overboard.

But God wasn't finished with Jonah.

God sent a large fish to swallow Jonah and provide some solitude for meditation. After some serious prayer and meditation Jonah was burped up and went to Nineveh to preach. The Ninevites believed God, and were spared from God's punishment because of God's compassion and Jonah's preaching.

Jonah didn't like it that God spared the Ninevites so he got angry, stopped his ministry and sat outside the city pouting and spouting his suicidal ideations (or saying he wished he would just die.)

But God wasn't finished with Jonah!

God continued to talk to Jonah. God told Jonah of his love and concern for the 120,000 people who lived in Nineveh.

We believe God has called everyone in this room to be reconciled to God, self, and others. We believe God has given us the ministry of reconciliation. But we know that sometimes we ignore God, become irritated with ourselves, and suffer broken relationships.

But God isn't finished with us!

I am fully aware that this service won't magically make everything ok with everyone from here on. I am aware that we go from this service with the ability to help or harm one another, perhaps with unresolved issues, and strained relationships. I am aware that we may sit at home having a pity party, rather than inviting a neighbor for tea. I am aware that we need to grow in our ability to carry on the ministry of reconciliation.

But God isn't finished with us!

God speaks to us again and again - be reconciled to me through Christ.

God tells us again and again - you have been given the ministry of reconciliation.

Go with that hope and assurance.

What do we find hopeful?
  1. Desire of congregation to follow the way of Christ in all of life-including relationships.
  2. Willingness of congregation to acknowledge that mistakes were made and a desire to learn from them.
  3. Other congregations - Christians have had conflicts.
  4. Attempts were made to help - individuals and congregation
  5. As Interim candidates, we were informed that the congregation needed to grow in managing conflict, rather than hiding information.
  6. Conflict is manageable and can be a source of growth and life.

John recounts the Pharisees trying to decide what to do with Jesus and his teaching. The crowds were divided. John echoes James when he records Nicodemus saying, Jn. 7.51 Our law does not judge people without first giving them a hearing to find out they are doing does it?

We must listen carefully and patiently, avoiding quick assumptions, and quick judgments about what is being said and quick judgments about the person.

I Peter 3.8,16

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

Abraham maintained family harmony by allowing Lot to choose available land first.

Jesus was sympathetic to the plight of a widow whose son had died and raised the son to life.

Jesus demonstrated deep love for Lazarus, Mary and Martha and demonstrated it by weeping beside the grave of Lazarus.

Jesus was compassionate, or had a deep loving concern for the needy, and responded by healing, feeding, and restoring life.

Jesus demonstrated humility by becoming human and suffering death by crucifixion.

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